July 4, 2013
I had to break the news to my family and close friends. But where do I start? In the past seven days, I lost my baby son, had placenta abruption, preeclampsia, and HELLP. Almost did not make it back myself due to blood loss.
The phone started to ring, non-stop. My mother started to call everyone who had any connection to me. Friends were calling about baby shower. Knowing I could not hide any more, I picked up the phone and started talking.
The reactions became a reflection of human instinct.
Q1: “What? You lost your baby? What happened? How can you be so careless?”
A: I almost want to shoot her or myself.
Q2: “Why didn’t the doctor detect this earlier? This is a malpractice. You need to sue the doctor. Sue the hospital. I am telling you!”
A: I looked at myself, a defeated general, with bleeding wounds and broken spirit. Just came back from an uphill battle to save my baby and myself. Now, I need to rage another war? Where are my troops? Unbelievable!
Q3. “I am so sorry about your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Call me anytime when you feel like talking.”
A: I nodded on the phone.
Q4: “Where are you now? I will clear my work schedule and come this weekend to see you.”
A: My tears oozed out. I really needed a crying shoulder but was too weak to admit it.
Q5: “Hello, is this Jasmine? This is Jake. We have not been in touch for few years now. I came across your phone number and had to call to see if you still have the same number. How are you?”
A: Here it is, an unknowing friend, a perfect distraction. We spoke for 10 minutes, not a word of ‘death’, ‘hurt’ or ‘sad’.
Writing 101, Day 12: (Virtual) Dark Clouds On the Horizon
I am so sorry for your loss. You expressed your grief very clearly here.
Thank you for reading my post!
I have not known loss of your magnitude but feel with you as I read your post.
Thank you for reading the post! I keep telling myself it could be worse and have to keep going in life. 🙂
I caught up on your old posts. Infertility is a common thread we share. I went on to adopt twins and four years later found myself unexpectedly pregnant. Hugs!
that was very encouraging. I am afraid of making any decision at the moment. Body, mind and spirit are still broken from infertility and subsequently infant loss, not counting the embryos we had… 😦
I hear you. It took me three years from my last IVF to find acceptance and change course.
Thank you for sharing this! It feels good to be heard and understood.
Hearing your story is bringing back my own memories. Especially the “you should sue” comment, I got a lot of those suggestions too. I even considered it for a time when I convinced myself that someone should have known and saved my son, but I became so sick so quickly that there wasn’t time for anyone to know. Another reason why there needs to me a greater awareness of HELLP and how dangerous it can be. I’m so so sorry for your pain hon. Big, big hug xoxo
Thank you! I healed more when I read your comments.
Hugs hon ❤