Human Instinct

July 4, 2013

I had to break the news to my family and close friends. But where do I start? In the past seven days, I lost my baby son, had placenta abruption, preeclampsia, and HELLP. Almost did not make it back myself due to blood loss.

The phone started to ring, non-stop. My mother started to call everyone who had any connection to me. Friends were calling about baby shower. Knowing I could not hide any more, I picked up the phone and started talking.

The reactions became a reflection of human instinct.

Q1: “What? You lost your baby? What happened? How can you be so careless?”

A: I almost want to shoot her or myself.

Q2: “Why didn’t the doctor detect this earlier? This is a malpractice. You need to sue the doctor. Sue the hospital. I am telling you!”

A: I looked at myself, a defeated general, with bleeding wounds and broken spirit. Just came back from an uphill battle to save my baby and myself. Now, I need to rage another war? Where are my troops? Unbelievable!

Q3. “I am so sorry about your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Call me anytime when you feel like talking.”

A: I nodded on the phone.

Q4: “Where are you now? I will clear my work schedule and come this weekend to see you.”

A: My tears oozed out. I really needed a crying shoulder but was too weak to admit it.

Q5: “Hello, is this Jasmine? This is Jake. We have not been in touch for few years now. I came across your phone number and had to call to see if you still have the same number. How are you?”

A: Here it is, an unknowing friend, a perfect distraction. We spoke for 10 minutes, not a word of ‘death’, ‘hurt’ or ‘sad’.


Writing 101, Day 12:  (Virtual) Dark Clouds On the Horizon


About jasmine shei

My blog is to express my journey in finding a purpose in life, after a great loss. As I wonder in the woods, I hope I will eventually find a path to a lifelong fulfillment.
This entry was posted in Infant Loss, Relationships, Writing 101 and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Human Instinct

  1. granonine says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. You expressed your grief very clearly here.


  2. EnKay says:

    I have not known loss of your magnitude but feel with you as I read your post.


  3. myhopejar says:

    Hearing your story is bringing back my own memories. Especially the “you should sue” comment, I got a lot of those suggestions too. I even considered it for a time when I convinced myself that someone should have known and saved my son, but I became so sick so quickly that there wasn’t time for anyone to know. Another reason why there needs to me a greater awareness of HELLP and how dangerous it can be. I’m so so sorry for your pain hon. Big, big hug xoxo


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