Life After Loss (part II)

One Cucumber and Three Donut Peaches

We were out of cucumbers one Sunday. We decided to work for it, by walking to the grocery store, 4 miles away. It was ambitious for someone do not walk much on the daily basis.

Joo raised his eyebrows and asked. “Are you sure about this?”

“I can do this.” I sounded convincing. “You will see.”

Side by side, we walked in good speed. Of course, I had to make big strides to keep up with him. After 20 minutes, I was 5 feet behind. 10 more minutes, I was 10 feet behind. I was tired. My mind was weakened and wondered off, thinking about us, as a couple, grieving….

When I was in the hospital fighting for my life, my Joo was like my 24-7 nurse, doing everything: He carried me in and out of the bed, fed me, bathed me, measured my urines, checked vitals on wired monitors. Most importantly, we cried together, cuddled our son together and said our goodbyes together. If anything, the tragedy brought us closer than ever before. In his words, he can feel what I feel.

But, things gradually changed after he went back to work. He stopped being the person I wanted him to be, an emotionally supportive spouse. His work became his long lost friend whom he wanted to be 24-7.   But, I was trapped, dealing with physical pain and emotional pain, alone. I struggled and felt suffocated. The more I wanted to share with him, the more he wanted to stay away. Our differences in coping with grief started to take its toll on our relationship. Every day, I was drifting further away and he stayed there watching.   I first pleaded with him. He did not understand my feelings and ignored me. I then became an angry woman. Everything I did was to get his attention, good or bad.   I even threw the “D” words few times at him. It pushed him even further away from me; he stopped talking to me and we stopped talking to each other. I do not know how to get out of this vicious cycle. The more I latched on him, the more disappointed I got.

Where is the guy I used to love, singing the cheesy song? “You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey…” I can never get tired of hearing him singing that song to me. Every time he sings, I foolishly fall in for him all over again. Now I wonder if he even cares about me.

As I was doing the hard thinking, I lagged behind even more. Finally, Joo stopped at the stop sign and waited.

When I caught up with him, he gave me a stern look and said. “I think you should turn around and walk back yourself. You cannot make to the store anyway. You are slowing me down.”

Without me saying another word, he continued walking.

“You are unbelievable!” I stumped on the ground as I turned around. I must have been a big hideous drag for him! As I was walking back, I hated myself and hated him even more.

An hour later, I finally got home. My feet hurt like hell. I made myself a smoothie. After 20 minutes, I still did not see Joo showing up at the doorstep. I started to worry. Is he getting closer? How come I cannot see him yet? Another 10 minutes, I was like an ant on a hot plate and did not know what to do with myself. I fixed up another cup of smoothies and drove back to find him.

20 minutes walking distance away, I saw him, limping and sweating. He looked dehydrated.

I pulled over, handed him the smoothie and asked. “Need a ride?”

He grabbed the smoothies and gulped. Then, he handed me a plastic bag and continued walking back home.

Just stubborn! That is how he is. I took the plastic bag and opened it up: one cucumber and three bruised donut peaches.

I stared at the fruits, bursting into tears. Donut peaches! They are my favorite!

He still cares about me!


Writing 101, Day 13, Write About Finding Something


About jasmine shei

My blog is to express my journey in finding a purpose in life, after a great loss. As I wonder in the woods, I hope I will eventually find a path to a lifelong fulfillment.
This entry was posted in Recovery, Relationships, Writing 101 and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Life After Loss (part II)

  1. kazg10 says:

    Lovely story Jasmine, I am hoping for a happy ending 🙂


  2. myhopejar says:

    Your story is just heart wrenching. Shame on your hubby, he should have walked slower and waited for you! But he really does still care, I just think most men just don’t know how to show it especially after dealing with something so traumatic. Praying he comes back to you very soon. Yes, he needs you too, but it’s different for you. You both went through this, but it happened to your body, and you have the physical pain and changes as a constant reminder along with the emotional pain. I think it’s sometimes hard for men to understand this.

    I know it’s hard to imagine now, but it won’t always be this hard. After nearly 4 years since we lost our son to HELLP, I can say that though the pain and memories of his loss will never go away or even ebb, it has gotten a bit easier. You will feel joy again.


  3. Dani says:

    Of course he does, Jasmine.
    Of course he does.


  4. Karuna says:

    I’m so glad you received tangible evidence that he cares. He just doesn’t know how to express it well. I’m happy you have reached out to others to get the support you need.


  5. He loves you! Men deal with emotions differently, wishing you the best.


    • jasmineshei says:

      It is unfortunate that men and women grief differently. It makes everything even harder, if it is not difficult enough.

      I need to be reminded that he is with me, no matter what, in his own way.


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