It is little misty outside. I put on my walking shoes and start my ritual walk. It is now effortless for me to put one foot in front of the other. When in mood, I would run for a while just to feel the blood circulating through my body and feel alive again.
It has not been easy for me, if you knew me from a year ago. That hot summer, I lost my baby son due to pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. I came home with staples across my stomach, unable to walk or get in/out of bed. A small cough would send pain sensation from my middle section all the way to my brain and fingertips. Not only did I lose my son, but also I lost my basic function. Joo had to do everything in the house, cooking, cleaning, taking me in and out of the bed, and washing me. All of the sudden, I turned 90. It crippled me physically and mentally. I was ashamed of my scarred body, more permanently, I was shamed myself of failing to become a mom. But, I was determined to be independent again. After three days of Joo’s helping hands and pain relieves, on the fourth day, I reduced my pain relieves in half and practiced getting out of the bed, the hardest part of my life, at the moment. I grabbed sheet between my hands, lifted half inches of my butt, and moved slowly to the edge of the bed. Then my right hand held onto the poll of the poster bed, leaned toward the right side, slowly lowered my legs down as close as to the ground. In a big push from the right arm, with a grunt, I sat on the edge of the bed. It took lots of practice. Initially, I failed most of the time. It was either not quick enough to lower my legs to the ground, or not enough pushing from my upper body to lift myself up. When Joo saw me, struggling and sweating, he asked me to stop. “You do not have to do this. I am here. I do not want you to rapture the staples.” “But, I need to do this!” I replied in exhaustion. In truth, I felt ashamed of rely on him for everything. I never relied on anyone, like this. It was eating my dignity alive. With practice, I got better at getting up and joked one day. “Oh, I was able to go pee by myself, today.” I was proud.
I knew the power of one’s will. It was even evident when I was in the hospital after the c-section, still trying to understand what happened the last few days, recognizing the loss I was experiencing (hard to ignore), when the funeral home person came to my bedside. All of the sudden, my virgin milk came. How ironic. In one hand, I was signing the contract to cremate my baby, in another, I was holding my running milk. I was in tears and furious, “You are NOT going to do this to me!”I demanded my breasts to stop their natural course. And I succeeded. The next day, the milk stopped and never came back.
As I walk the street, feeling the wind kissing my tanned face, a car from the opposite side is running toward me. I continue walking at my normal speed, toward the running car. I am not afraid and I can let everything go…. But at the last split second, I jumped aside. I do not want to do this. In my right mind, I would never do this. And my Kevin, would never wanted this for me.
I continue walking. Another training day, for a strong mind and clear head!