I suppose I shall not exam the past. It would only bring sadness and regrets. Whatever I hoped to have, it vanished and I could not have it back. The living beings do not speak of the dead.
I suppose I shall not to look into the future. It is too depressing since I do not have what it takes: Children are to be the future of the mankind. If I do not one, I do not stand the chance, don’t I?
I suppose I shall always stay in the moment. It is real and under one’s control. But, I am not told with what I shall fill this moment. Is the long walk, the cooking, the cleaning, or the reading? I have seen my parents conduct their daily lives, the walk, the cooking, the cleaning, and the reading. But, they are in their 70. I shall jump decades ahead and all of the sudden be like them, enjoying life now? How? I cannot do it in my good conscious without the guilt and disappointment.
How does a person restart in life, over and over again, without loosing faith and energy? I want to know. It seems that it is my life, always restarting and never get anywhere.
Journey in the Woods 
Jasmine, have you considered adoption? I ask only because I sense in you the yearning to mother the way I felt in 2006-2009. It is not easy nor is it for everyone. From experience my life certainly felt blessed after my daughters entered them.
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Thank you!
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this option did come cross my mind. I am still thinking this through.
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this sums up so much of how I feel. My therapist encourages me to live in the moment. I have taken that to mean, literally living in the moment- not the present, which is too big. The present is my life without a baby, with time to garden and go out with friends. The present is full of things I wasnt supposed to have. But the moment I can sometimes get into. I’m watching a movie, right now. I’m crying because I”m sad, right now. This ice cream tastes so good, right now. It works sometimes, only for a moment and its the best i can do.
but I totally understand what you write about- how do I live life? where do I focus? where can I find myself?
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Thanks for letting me that you can relate. I am constantly asking myself, is this how my life should be? Hope one day we both will find our places in life and then we can write to finish the cycle. 🙂
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But you are getting somewhere. I see it in your posts and sense it each time I read what you are telling me. Maybe I am not there everyday or it might be that you are having a rough patch in this post but I am sure you are slowly but surely 🙂
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It feels like three steps forward and two steps backwards, sometimes. Thank you for the encouragement, Karen!
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The character from “Finding Nemo” the sweet blue friend “Dory” comes to mind. Her most famous line is probably “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”. They (Nemo and Dory) eventually find their way. You are doing just that right now, you are keepin’ on swimming. That’s huge, I admire you for it.
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I guess I am! Thanks for the encouragement!
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The two words that come to mind that have healed my grief are “practice” and “patience”. It takes time to heal our wounds and yet, with the practice of letting go and connecting to life fully, we can find our passion and our path to joy. Many blessings to you Jasmine.
Karen
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So true! Thank, Karen!
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