Confession

My baby Kevin,

It is September, the month you are supposed to be born, a year ago. Instead, you came three months earlier and sent everyone battling for life, including yours.

I regret not letting your daddy listen to your gentle knocks often when you were in my belly. I selfishly wanted it for myself, a secrete bond. Your daddy would have had plenty of chances to feel you, when I past 27 weeks, 28 weeks, and 29 weeks… But, that chance never came. I blew it.

I regret not seeing the doctor right away when I had swollen feet and numbing fingers. I was told that they were normal symptoms. On the dark night of 6/26/2013, I faced the silent killer of HELLP syndrome, unprepared and lost you forever. A life long lesson I would never forgive myself.

I regret not have the chance to feed you. Milk came after you left.   You came too soon and left too quickly. A hello became a goodbye.

I regret not holding you the entire night after you passed away. I had you in a crib away from my hospital bed. I was ashamed and angry. That dark summer night, I lost the chance to ever hold you again in my arms.

I regret not seeing you being cremated — The rebirth. How brave of you going there alone, a place where everyone goes eventually. Now, nothing could ever harm you.

I regret…I regret…I regret…

I regret lots of things. But, I do not regret ever having you. You had me seeing the glimpse of motherhood, for however short. My life is no longer the same and never will be. Through my broken heart, achy body, blurry vision, you are living through me.

My baby Kevin, it is good to finally have met you. The shortest 10 minutes ever in one’s life, having you in my arms, alive, kicking and then peacefully passing.

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About jasmine shei

My blog is to express my journey in finding a purpose in life, after a great loss. As I wonder in the woods, I hope I will eventually find a path to a lifelong fulfillment.
This entry was posted in Infant Loss and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Confession

  1. meghanoc says:

    oh, ten minutes is just so so short. regret is hard- we all have something. I regret not bringing my baby up to my room with me, out of some internal pressure to be perceived as an “ideal grieving patient” whatever that is? I’m glad you can get all these regret out in the open- I’m impressed you can verbalize them.

    Kevin is such a beautiful name (I was to be kevin if I were a boy). It holds a special place in my family- I had an uncle Kevin who died as a child, and so many kevins abound in my family tree. Its a special special name, and I will think of your Kevin fondly.

    Like

  2. Aggie M. says:

    Ohhhh my dear Jasmin. I agree with the previous response. Verbalizing those regrets is huge. Wow. The ‘what if’s’, and the ‘if only’s’… So painful. Hugs to you my dear friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Verbalizing and sharing these thoughts, these intensely personal thoughts is so courageous.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Healing Grief says:

    Your ten minutes with this special Angel can never be taken from you Jasmine. As short and unfair as it was, it was your ten minutes with Kevin. Steer all your beautiful energy into gratefulness, the “what ifs” and “regrets” will only deplete you.
    Karen

    Liked by 1 person

  5. myhopejar says:

    Big hug Jasmine. Reading this is like looking into my past too. Crying so many tears for our sons. They were taken from us too soon.

    Like

  6. I have no wisdom to share, only love and hope for gentle moments in these dark, painful days.

    Like

  7. Oh Jasmine, what a beautiful raw honest sentiment. If we knew then what we know now huh? I definitely get where you are coming from. Regret is a hard thing to struggle with, but you love him, ALWAYS. It shows here, and I’m sure he can feel it as he watches over you with our other angels above.

    Like

  8. Elizabeth says:

    Dear jasmine, I wish peace in your heart as you grieve. Please be kind to yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. SusanB says:

    The terrible regrets! They serve no purpose and suck the joy from us. This post was beautiful in its honesty. Confession cleanses the soul, now you can say goodbye to the regrets.

    Like

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