Shit Happens

I opened a scribbled note. It read, “Everything happens for a reason…” I chocked. Is that so? What was the reason my baby had to die? What sin did he commit to deserve such a punishment? Did anyone ask me what I wanted? I was furious. My face turned red; smoke came out of my ears; blood pressure shot up. I torn up the note and stuffed into my mouth.

It is cruel for any parents to lose a child and there is no reason, period.   Admitted, shit happens!

Writing 101, Be Brief

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About jasmine shei

My blog is to express my journey in finding a purpose in life, after a great loss. As I wonder in the woods, I hope I will eventually find a path to a lifelong fulfillment.
This entry was posted in Infant Loss, Writing 101 and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Shit Happens

  1. I used to be the ‘everything happens for a reason’ person, and then I had my ectopic. I actually tried to see a silver lining. But obviously there is none. My hairdresser shared that she had a miscarriage with her now ex husband. She said EHFAR and if they had had the baby they still would be divorced so she said it was for the best for her. And that maybe there was a reason (not that I’d get a divorce or anything) that it happened. Infuriating. So I hear you!

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  2. meghanoc says:

    oh yes! I got that a LOT when Mabel was diagnosed with Down Syndrome. I was terrified about the risk of stillbirth that came with the diagnosis and remember writing- what if my baby dies? what is the reason for that! I hated- and still do hate- that expression. makes me feel not an ounce better. just worse. what did I do to deserve this? What did my baby do to deserve this?

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  3. I have written about how I dislike that phrase, too. I’m sorry someone was so thoughtless in such a fragile time. I am always glad to see you keep writing.

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  4. Georgia B. says:

    I’m thankful that no one ever said this to me. I’d have had the same reaction if they did. I think it is maybe… just maybe… okay for the parent to feel a sense of peace that there was a reason for their loss… but only for them to think it, and not others, and certainly not for others to say it. Of course, I don’t feel there was a reason my daughter had to die. But I do believe there is purpose in it. And I believe that maybe sometimes this is what people hope to convey, but just use the wrong words to do it, hoping they can lessen the senseless feelings {and pain} that a parent feels. I’m sure it’s well-intended. But I do think people need to realize that this is such an unhelpful thing to say. Through my own loss, I’ve learned what is helpful and what is not to say. Some people have not experienced loss, so they just have no idea what is helpful. I try to give grace, because I am pretty sure that at one time, I used similar words for someone, not knowing just how infuriating my words were. I think our anger in response to pointless platitudes is justified. It’s just one more way to express and process our grief. Just as we have to be patient with what others say, I believe they should be very patient with how respond to things said. Probably the only thing worse in my grief than hearing something hurtful said about my loss was having someone tell me how I should respond to something that was said. I was hurt when someone told me I did not have a right to be hurt. I disagree. I think after all we’ve been through, we have every right to be hurt… or angry… or whatever we feel at the moment. We must be honest with ourselves and our feelings and reactions. To not be would be to not grieve. I’m sorry you had to hear {read} that.

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  5. You expressed the shared sentiment so many of us who have had to deal with the loss of a child and/or infertility issues feel. When I had my miscarriage a close family friend said that to me and shared her thoughts on the reason. I lost it and walked away. I tried to remind myself that most people don’t know what to say because it is as awkward for them as it is painful for us. And, I never say it to others dealing with loss.

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