Fail to Launch: A letter to My Child

My child Kevin,

I thought this year would be less difficult than the year before, the year your unexpected departure.  I thought I would have figured out what to do with my life.  But, in truth, I failed to launch, both my career and another pregnancy.

This year, I battled with physical pain and visited medical specialists regularly.  As I regained my physical strength, my mental stability crippled me.  To save myself, I started going to the support group, visited counselor, wrote blog and became a volunteer.  I went through all kinds of grief emotions, sadness, guilt, and desperation.  However, missing you is the most difficult part.  Even though I hardly know you, my child, I have imagined you grow up to be a handsome a year and half boy.  Your 1st walk, 1st taste of solid food, and 1st word all became my fond memories.  You grew in my eyes and inside my head.  The most previous moment is when you asked me to tuck you into bed and say goodnight — you needed me.  Yet, in reality, I need you more.

My child, it is Christmas again.  Trees are lit, cookies baked and gifts wrapped.  Are you coming to visit your mommy and daddy with Santa and reindeers?  Make sure you give the right address to the Santa.  I will be waiting by the window counting the days to Christmas and having you in my arms again.

Love,

Mom and Dad