Change

To me, 2013 was a Shit Hits The Fan year, traumatizing and devastating. 2014 was a year of internal struggle. Do not get me wrong.  I did not get on drugs or anything.  But, I have to admit in my dark days I had thoughts of leaving everything behind. Life did not have any purpose. Nothing made sense. After lost Kevin, I lost my identity. Marriage felt like a prison, jobless and childless, I felt tremendous shame and loss.

Like a caterpillar in a cocoon, in the dark, in isolation, for a long time, I struggled to break free. In this struggle, I tried many things.   Things started to improve.

I read, constantly and feverishly.   It was food to my brain.

I became a volunteer at a local hospital. Seeing others in pain and providing to them feels good. It warmed my heart to be needed again.

I actively participated in a pregnancy and infant loss support group. I shared stories about my Kevin and made friends. In this unique circle, I no longer grieved in silence.

I built memories of my baby. For Christmas, I bought new outfit for him and ornament to remember him. For his anniversary, I put together a yearbook for him to record new things happened in that year.   The thought and act of ‘having’ him in my life felt comforting.

I started blogging and connecting to other woman in similar situations. Through writing, I unload the burden of carrying my grief alone. I let everything in the open, hurt, shame, guilt, and fear. After writing them down, I felt lighter and brighter. Reading others’ posts and connecting to them also gave me courage. Those brave woman before me had walked on the same path that I am on and have since found the courage to live new lives. I could to.

2014 was a long year, with many disappointments and self-discoveries. I do not know what 2015 will bring. I hope it is re-birth, like a caterpillar finally breaks the shackles and becomes a butterfly — To take care of my own needs and rebuild self-esteem. To be brave in my actions and thoughts.   Not to be afraid of change.

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About jasmine shei

My blog is to express my journey in finding a purpose in life, after a great loss. As I wonder in the woods, I hope I will eventually find a path to a lifelong fulfillment.
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12 Responses to Change

  1. kazg10 says:

    Glad your back and yes hopefully its a new year full of new promise for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope all your hopes come true in 2015!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Aggie M. says:

    I am proud to call you my friend. Such insight you have.

    Like

  4. To come out of the darkness into hope is a wonderful new beginning for you. Continue to walk in courage and strength this coming year. Many blessings Jasmine. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well said, Jasmine! Wishing you love, comfort and peace always! Hugz, ʕ•́●•̀ʔっ

    Like

  6. I too am glad to see your return. This reflective post is full of insight and hope. I am adding to yours my hope that 2015 brings further transformation, compassion and a continued rebirth.

    Like

  7. meghanoc says:

    i am hoping for a kind 2015 for you- a year that may bring you peace, joy and growth. You have done so much already on your path. much love to you!

    Liked by 1 person

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