To me, 2013 was a Shit Hits The Fan year, traumatizing and devastating. 2014 was a year of internal struggle. Do not get me wrong. I did not get on drugs or anything. But, I have to admit in my dark days I had thoughts of leaving everything behind. Life did not have any purpose. Nothing made sense. After lost Kevin, I lost my identity. Marriage felt like a prison, jobless and childless, I felt tremendous shame and loss.
Like a caterpillar in a cocoon, in the dark, in isolation, for a long time, I struggled to break free. In this struggle, I tried many things. Things started to improve.
I read, constantly and feverishly. It was food to my brain.
I became a volunteer at a local hospital. Seeing others in pain and providing to them feels good. It warmed my heart to be needed again.
I actively participated in a pregnancy and infant loss support group. I shared stories about my Kevin and made friends. In this unique circle, I no longer grieved in silence.
I built memories of my baby. For Christmas, I bought new outfit for him and ornament to remember him. For his anniversary, I put together a yearbook for him to record new things happened in that year. The thought and act of ‘having’ him in my life felt comforting.
I started blogging and connecting to other woman in similar situations. Through writing, I unload the burden of carrying my grief alone. I let everything in the open, hurt, shame, guilt, and fear. After writing them down, I felt lighter and brighter. Reading others’ posts and connecting to them also gave me courage. Those brave woman before me had walked on the same path that I am on and have since found the courage to live new lives. I could to.
2014 was a long year, with many disappointments and self-discoveries. I do not know what 2015 will bring. I hope it is re-birth, like a caterpillar finally breaks the shackles and becomes a butterfly — To take care of my own needs and rebuild self-esteem. To be brave in my actions and thoughts. Not to be afraid of change.