Back to Zero

“Mom, why does not Li’s family have any kids?” I cannot help asking mother about our neighbor when I was little.

“They just do not,” Mother put it simply. “Maybe they cannot. I do not know. They sure are a good couple.”

Of course, mother’s answer did not satisfy my curious mind. From time to time, I stop by at their door and peeked inside. Unlike everyone else, their apartment was always clean and quiet. Sometimes, few students would come to study, as they were both teachers. It sure felt different to me. Why some married couple would not have children and it may not be their choice. I never thought this would become my reality.

Becoming a mother is natural to many.  For me, it is a quest of five years, from have to have-not. In this journey, I had endured many lows and highs.  On my lows I dragged myself in and out of infertility treatment clinics, from U.S. to China, from western surgery to eastern herbs, from IUIs to IVFs, from one time to three time treatments. I was determined. I believed as long as I gave my 100%, I would succeed, like most things in life. Why not?  Isn’t what nature intended? But, I was so wrong.  Pre-eclampsia robbed me clean, took my child away, and threw me back into infertility.  After five years, I am back to zero….

Maybe I was peaking into my life, when I was little.  Maybe I were her, 30 years later.

(National Infertility awareness week 4/19-4/25)


About jasmine shei

My blog is to express my journey in finding a purpose in life, after a great loss. As I wonder in the woods, I hope I will eventually find a path to a lifelong fulfillment.
This entry was posted in Infant Loss, Infertility and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Back to Zero

  1. Aggie Mowry says:

    Back to Zero. Such a tough road, I am so sorry.

    (Also, I love your tulips on top of your blog page, lovely.)


  2. Aggie Mowry says:

    Wait, now they are azaleas, no more tulips….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The innocence of your childhood question… The cruel reality of what preeclampsia stole from you… The “what now?” and “why me?” of it all… I hear you. And my heart breaks anew… As I’m sure yours does. Not being alone does not take awake the burning loneliness, the senselessness of it all.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sending you love my friend,


  5. It’s hard to know sometimes why there seem to be no answers … take care… Diane

    Liked by 1 person

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