Think of You

I think of you,

On a grooming day.

You bring down my tears and knees;

I think of you,

On a sunny day.

You bring warmth to my body and soul;

I think of you,

On a raining day.

You bring drizzle to my heart;

I think of you,

On a snowy day.

You bring peace to my restless mind;

I think of you,

Every passing season,

Until death do us apart.

Posted in Infant Loss, Recovery | 1 Comment

I am a creep

The stage lights dimmed. Everyone got quiet. He closed his eyes as the music started.  A sadness unfolded when he sang:

 “When you were here before

Could not look you in the eye

You just look like an angel

Your skin makes me cry

You float like feather

In a beautiful world

You so very special

 I wish I was special

But, I am a creep

I am a weirdo

What the hell I am doing

I do not belong here”

Then, he opened up and blasted his voice to the audience.

“He is running, now

He is running

Run, run run.”

What a powerful voice and beautiful remake of the song!  I was captivated by the intensity and vulnerability.  Then, I looked at myself.  An old wound opened up and I saw myself, the day when I lost my child, three years ago.

“When you were here in my arms

Could not look you in the eye

You were an angel

Soft skin made me cry

You weigh like feather

On a blistering summer day

You so very special

I wish I deserve you

But, I am a creep

Can not keep any of my babies

I am a weirdo

Wearing ugly scares and butt naked

 What the hell I am doing

I do not belong here

I do not belong


 I am running

Running, running, running

To go back

Back to the beginning  

When I can still have you

Safe inside of me”


Here is the link to this song from Brian Justin Crum

Brian Justin Crum, sang his version of Radiohead’s Creep

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Father’s Grief

“Our baby boy passed away today, three years ago.  Shall we do something?” she asked expectantly.

“I do not like these sorts of things.”

Then, he walked away.

What kind of father would refuse to mourn his son?

She stormed into her room, shut the door, and exploded.

A week later, at a friend’s gathering….

“Do you have kids?” new people came by and asked.

“No.” He said unexpectedly, “We did try.  Jasmine devoted five years of her life for that.  But, in the end, our son died.”

No one said another word.

Next to him, Jasmine looked at Joe, full of emotions.

He did care.

He was/is the father!

Posted in Infant Loss, Recovery, Relationships | Tagged , | 7 Comments

Mother’s Day Tribute

Two women sat down to their seats on an airplane, one by the window, another by the aisle.  The plane started to fill up and they politely nodded to each other.

The one by the window was a woman at her late 50’s, a bit out of shape, but she had eyes sparkled with warmth.  The one in the aisle seat was an Asian, in her late 30s.  From the dark circles under her eyes, one can tell she had a long journey.

“Sorry, can I…” a woman just came into the cabin and asked.

“Sure, sure.” The Asian woman stood up to let her in.

“Thank you, very much.”

The woman sat down in the middle and took off her coat.

“Hello,” she nodded to the woman on her right by the window.

“Hello!” Her neighbor replied and was eager to carry a conversation. “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh, it was a bit, stressful.” The woman fiddled her ring and replied hesitantly. She was in her 60s and well dressed.  The pearls on her neck shimmered under the dim light.

“Yeah.  Sometimes taking a trip can be rather rough.”

“Not that,” the woman in the middle replied.  “It was a difficult trip.  I was there for my granddaughter.  She… She died, in a car accident.” Her voice quivered. Then she stopped to composed herself, “I am sorry.  I did not mean to make the conversation so gloomy. “

“Do not apologize,” the woman by the window put her hand on her neighbor’s and said. “There is no need to apologize.  I understand.  I am sorry to hear that. Only if you want to talk about it.”

“Thank you.  It is just I cannot imagine how my daughter is going to go through this.  I am the grandma.  But, she is the mother.  It hurts me so much but I know it hurts her even more, losing her only child….”

Meanwhile, the Asian woman in the aisle seat was nervously searching her purse.  Found few facial tissues and offered to the tear-up grandma.  Then, she started to whip her eyes.  When she turned back and wanted to say something, she choked back with more tears.

“Are you all right?” the grieving grandma asked.

“Yes, yes. No.” She muttered. “My child. My son…”

“This is your caption speaking.  We are experiencing some turbulence…”

Then, her voice was lost in the intensified thin air.

Posted in Infant Loss | 2 Comments

Meet You Half Way

Meet you half way. My child. Tell me if I am getting closer to you as I fly the sky. I know you are up there. Show me the direction. Am I getting closer facing east or west?  
As the holiday gets well underway, it adds bitter sweet to my thoughts thinking of you.  You would have been two and an half , a handsome and smart toddler. You shall have mommy’ s kindness and daddy’s wisdom. I hope i can take a peak of you, even from the distance. 

Please come meet me half way.  

Posted in Infant Loss | 1 Comment

Just believe

#1: Scene from the movie Finding Neverland

Scene from Finding Neverland

Boy Peter just lost her mother.  He was grieving.

“I thought she would always be here.” He asked.

“So did I.” A good friend of her mother explained. “In fact, she is.  She is on every page of your imagination.  You will always have her there, always.”

“But, why did she have to die?” He asked.

“I do not know,” the friend said. “… She went to Neverland. And you can visit her anytime you like, if you just go there yourself.”


“By believing, Peter,” The friend said. “Just believe.”

The boy looked away, tears rolling down his cheeks.

After a long pause, he labored each word, “I see her.”

#2: Scene from my life

Fall is my favorite season, beautiful color of leafs and cool sunny days.  As I walk down the path on campus, I ask, “my child, do you see what I see.  Do you like what you see?”

A voice responds back, “Yes, mommy.  I am right here, under the big maple tree, playing with the squirrels and falling leaves.  Do you not see me?”

Without looking, I say, “Yes, my child, I see you many times a day, through eyes of my heart.”

Posted in Infant Loss, Recovery | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

a drop of LIFE

What is living like?  Living is like cooking a big pot of soup, for decades. Each time, life, the ultimate iron chef, would mix different flavors to the soup, to give kinks and zest.  Overtime, the flavor changes and becomes more balanced and complex.  And you, as one of the ingredients in the soup, through years of simmering and soaking have condensed to a drop of life, balanced and complex.

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Having Second Thoughts?

She sat across from him, sipping the last drips of coffee.   As she leaned over, she asked, “What do you think about our new life?”

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“You know,” she said. “You moved job because of me.  Do you have second thoughts?”

“Well,” he claimed. “Everything has its trade off.”

“Your assessment?” She asked with her head down.

“You seemed happier.  Then, it is worth it.”

She looked up. A tear dropped from the corner of her eye. She smiled. After all the failures and losses they have experience, 3 IUIs, 3 IVFs, and 1 infant loss, they stayed together. It could be very different…

She wiped her tear and got up, “Looks like the storm has just passed.  Let us go home.”

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Embryo Adopton?

Randomly looking through the news feed, I came across this news below.

Meet the Families Who “Adopted” Their Kids – As Embryos

After going through three IVFs and knowing how some would have many surplus, I always wanted to know what happened to the embryos they cannot use.  I knew lots of them are being discarded like garbage.  It is a relief to know that there are programs to donate the embryos to others in need.  To me, this is not any different from adoption.  It is just you would have them much earlier if you can host her/him.

Would I do it, personally?  I do not know.

I cannot wait to share with my cyber friends and am eager to know your thoughts on this.

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A Golden Boy

She got up early to pack her lunch. As she putting the sandwich into the stylish black and white striped tote, she smiled.  It was her first week at a new job — A job she has been waiting for almost a year, after humiliating rejections and 5 years of infertility treatment ended in a pregnancy loss.

“Can I ever re-start my life again?”  She asked millions of times.

Today, she finally found a starting point. She put he rings and necklace on to complete the ensemble and walked out.

It was early in the morning but the sun already out and birds were chirping.  She took a deep breath and looked around.  As she glanced over her neck, she felt something wrong. The necklace chain was loosely dangling on her neck and the pendent, missing?  She touched her neck again.  Not there.  Where could it be? On the walking path, in the car, or at home? She clearly remembered putting it on. She panicked.  She walked back to the path and looked into every cracks of stoney path.  Once in the parking lot, she searched inside and outside of her car few more times. Still nothing. Looking at her watch, she was already 20 minutes late for work.  She decided to go inside of the building.

The entire day, she could not concentrate.  She kept thinking where could it be. She wished it were just a regular pendant. But, it was not.

“Look, what I got for your birthday.” Joo tossed out something dazzling in front of her.

“Let me see. Let me see.” She couldn’t wait.

It was a sterling silver necklace. The pendant was a shape of heart, decorated with tiny diamonds and rubies, on each side. Resting on the top was a female stretching her arms to reach out to a gilded baby.  It took her breath away.

“See, the little baby there?” Joo added.” He is your golden boy.”

“A golden boy…” She knew exactly whom he meant, their lost child, Kevin, the one and only.

Her voice quivering, “This is… special.”

“Yeah,” he said. “It took me quite a while to find this.”

“Yes.” she nodded tearfully. “It must have.”

Sitting at her desk, thinking how she got the necklace and what it meant to her. She could not contain her tears. Like a broken faucet, they were pouring out. It was so bad that she lost her child to pre-eclampsia. She had to lose the symbol of her child, the golden boy as well?

“I am useless! I could not keep any of my boys!” She was mad.

By the end of day, she decided to search the path again, this time the grassy edges. It was the only place she did not look in the morning. It was 5 o’clock and still bright outside. As she moved her eyes inch by inch on the grass, she found rocks, ants, and acorns. No way I could find it, she thought.  Half way toward the end, the grass was less dense. She saw something shinning. It could be just a dime. She picked up and her face lit up. It was her golden boy!   She jumped.

Then, she softly kissed the golden boy, carefully wrapped it in a napkin, and walked toward the parking lot.


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