July 4, 2013
I had to break the news to my family and close friends. But where do I start? In the past seven days, I lost my baby son, had placenta abruption, preeclampsia, and HELLP. Almost did not make it back myself due to blood loss.
The phone started to ring, non-stop. My mother started to call everyone who had any connection to me. Friends were calling about baby shower. Knowing I could not hide any more, I picked up the phone and started talking.
The reactions became a reflection of human instinct.
Q1: “What? You lost your baby? What happened? How can you be so careless?”
A: I almost want to shoot her or myself.
Q2: “Why didn’t the doctor detect this earlier? This is a malpractice. You need to sue the doctor. Sue the hospital. I am telling you!”
A: I looked at myself, a defeated general, with bleeding wounds and broken spirit. Just came back from an uphill battle to save my baby and myself. Now, I need to rage another war? Where are my troops? Unbelievable!
Q3. “I am so sorry about your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Call me anytime when you feel like talking.”
A: I nodded on the phone.
Q4: “Where are you now? I will clear my work schedule and come this weekend to see you.”
A: My tears oozed out. I really needed a crying shoulder but was too weak to admit it.
Q5: “Hello, is this Jasmine? This is Jake. We have not been in touch for few years now. I came across your phone number and had to call to see if you still have the same number. How are you?”
A: Here it is, an unknowing friend, a perfect distraction. We spoke for 10 minutes, not a word of ‘death’, ‘hurt’ or ‘sad’.
Writing 101, Day 12: (Virtual) Dark Clouds On the Horizon
I am so sorry for your loss. You expressed your grief very clearly here.
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Thank you for reading my post!
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I have not known loss of your magnitude but feel with you as I read your post.
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Thank you for reading the post! I keep telling myself it could be worse and have to keep going in life. 🙂
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I caught up on your old posts. Infertility is a common thread we share. I went on to adopt twins and four years later found myself unexpectedly pregnant. Hugs!
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that was very encouraging. I am afraid of making any decision at the moment. Body, mind and spirit are still broken from infertility and subsequently infant loss, not counting the embryos we had… 😦
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I hear you. It took me three years from my last IVF to find acceptance and change course.
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Thank you for sharing this! It feels good to be heard and understood.
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Hearing your story is bringing back my own memories. Especially the “you should sue” comment, I got a lot of those suggestions too. I even considered it for a time when I convinced myself that someone should have known and saved my son, but I became so sick so quickly that there wasn’t time for anyone to know. Another reason why there needs to me a greater awareness of HELLP and how dangerous it can be. I’m so so sorry for your pain hon. Big, big hug xoxo
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Thank you! I healed more when I read your comments.
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Hugs hon ❤
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