An Elephant In the Room

After 10 days with people I know a little, some barely, for the holiday, I suddenly feel the urge of being left alone. For some moments, they created a distraction and I did not have to think about my own problem. Like a volcano that does not explode until years or decades later, I have been brewing inside. I do not know what it is. But, whatever it is, it makes me itching for solitude, and at the same time wanting to share my grief. Few times, I wanted to bring pictures of my baby Kevin and introduce him, as everyone was sitting around chatting and giggling. I wanted to shout, “Look, who do I bring with me?” But, I did not. Who would care about my dead child? Do I want to spoil the seemingly-holly moments? I saw my child, right here, in the room, but I could not say a word. Instead, I locked myself in the bedroom, thumbing through the album pages in tears. Sorry, son, I am weak.  Please forgive me.


About jasmine shei

My blog is to express my journey in finding a purpose in life, after a great loss. As I wonder in the woods, I hope I will eventually find a path to a lifelong fulfillment.
This entry was posted in holiday grief, Recovery and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to An Elephant In the Room

  1. I do not believe for a second that you are weak. You are an amazingly courageous women who is surviving the loss of her child.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Aggie M. says:

    You once again manage to express yourself and your feelings so well. I so wish things were different, and that Kevin were here in body. He would be as handsome and sweet as he was as an 2 pound 5 ounce baby. What you describe is that you were (and are) taking time with your son, just you and him. As a mom must, from time to time… I love that part.


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